Why don’t you just kill me…?
Will the pain end? Will I ever give a crap about this show? Will I ever stop yapping about how bad it is?
Well the answer to the last question is certainly no. Because unlike BlazBlue, Galilei Donna continues to fail in new and spectacular ways other than the same way over and over again.
In the 1940s, the United States bore the brunt of the offensive against the Japanese empire. The strategy was known as “island hopping”, picking one island on the outskirts of the Japanese territorial ring and securing it, constricting the net, so that even if you didn’t go head to head with their forces in Manchuria or Vietnam, if you owned the seas you would throttle their supply lines and at least limit any more expansion.
Naturally, “island hopping” required you to constantly shift your naval base of operations to whichever island was most strategically important at the time. Many of these islands that the United States built bases on still had polynesian natives living in rather primitive conditions, whose entire world view was changed by the presence of the Westerners and their trade goods, which were a play to placate the locals from raiding army bases.
When the war ended, the troops left, and the United States stopped sending planes with supplies. Thus arose the Cargo Cult, where native islanders would scratch out runways and build wooden mock planes to entice the Westerners to return.
Galilei Donna is a cargo cult anime.
It has seen good anime. It knows what the parts look like from the outside. It can even mimic them occasionally. If you don’t look too closely, you could swear it had all the elements of a proper, epic anime.
But when you get inside it, when you start picking it apart piece by piece, none of the things that actually MAKE a plane a plane are present. Not the rotor, not the shape of the wings that give lift, not a radio to communicate with air towers.
Galilei Donna has no sense of how to write rational human beings. It tries to give its characters traits, but they don’t understand what a trait IS.
For example: Roberto’s origami. It’s a cute character detail….but it is NOT a character -trait-, despite the fact that the show is selling it as one. “Oooh! Oooh! Look! Origami! That’s his thing! That thing he does!” I was half expecting his backstory to include paper cranes. Yes, Galilei Donna, that is your praise this week: You didn’t scrape as much off the bottom of the barrel as I expected.
Fire into a crowd of civilians. What do they do? They panic right? FUCK, we panic so much in crowds that there is always a Black Friday death. From fucking shopping. Crowds of angry, cold, manic people are unpredictable and wild. Not in Galilei Donna! Here, they take the time to politely line up to be shot by the villain so he can rack up a body count. Fucking. Hell. And then he shoots the hostage when she gets away. Why aren’t the Black Ganymede attacking now that his hostage is gone? Right…he has to kill more people before Hozuki can step in and be the protagonist.
Was there a plague in this world? Why is it every other episode one of the Ferarris is near-death sick?
“Hey! Anna! You’re looking at Roberto like you’re his girlfriend! WAS THAT BIT OF FORESHADOWING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? SUBTLE, RIGHT!?” I’m not saying she WILL end up being his girlfriend, that may be a little contrived (but I won’t put it past this train wreck), but this show didn’t have to make the fact that Anna has a connection to Adnimoon so obvious. Something as simple as “What are you looking at, lady?” That’s all. We didn’t need the oddly-sepcific address that she “looked like his girlfriend or something”.
I bet they think this is all really clever.
I can buy that our pirate captain is crushing on Hazuki. Really, I can. I have seen people fall hard for less (well okay, maybe not less, just as much). But a few angry words of defiance could certainly spark it. But you guys don’t have to drag it out at every instance, it is the most subtle thing you have going for you, don’t faff it up by leaning on it so hard.
This is like a story that some 15 year old who writes bad fanfiction got together with his friends and made a story. “Oh and then she builds an airship in the basement! And her parents don’t know! SO MOE!” “And then they die! #OSCARMOMENT!” “And Kazuki will be this tough girl who doesn’t let herself get pushed around….wait what were we doing? I guess she can be the one who doubts everything. We need one of those because you have to have a pessimist.”
Still don’t have any answers as to Hozuki’s good luck charm. Get on that, dudes. Really? Give us something entertaining.